Challenge male stereotypes to stop violent attitudes towards women

[bornadog]

Marcus Bontempelli (http://www.theage.com.au/comment/challenge-male-stereotypes-to-stop-violent-attitudes-towards-women-20151217-glq2gh.html)


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To change the horrifying statistics on violence against women in this country, we must change our culture.

Statistics make up a big part in the life of an AFL player. Everything we do in games and even in training is measured and analysed. The numbers tell a story, usually, and explain why things have panned out the way they did. It's something I have become used to in my two years at the Western Bulldogs. In 2015, our team achieved statistics we can be proud of, but one statistic that didn't sit well with me led me to become an ambassador and passionate supporter of The Line, a national initiative that encourages young people to challenge attitudes and behaviours that support violence against women.

I attended an information session at the AFL Players Association this year, which clearly outlined how pervasive violence against women is in this country.
One in three women will experience some sort of violence in their life. One in four will experience violence by a current or former partner.


For me, with three sisters, that's a frightening number to take in. It's also disheartening that according to research commissioned by the Our Watch (http://www.ourwatch.org.au/) organisation, some young men think that being masculine means they need to show physical strength, control others, or tell their partners what to do.

Stereotypes are a big problem because they can excuse or justify violent, disrespectful behaviours; and they don't allow young men and women to be themselves.
Some things you see in the news about women being hurt by people who should be the closest to them can be hard to think about. Luckily, this sort of violence and behaviour is not something I've come across. But when you hear those numbers, you start to think.


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For young boys in particular, hearing and seeing men they look up to conveys a positive image of masculinity can help reframe their thinking, including breaking free of the gender stereotypes they associate with what it means to be a man.

I'm asking other men to think too. Think about the last time you changed your behaviour to stay safe while walking down the street.
You haven't? No, nor have I.

But a whopping 9 in 10 Australian women have experienced street harassment and have modified their behaviour in response. Crossing the street to avoid strangers, pretending to have a conversation on the phone, or grasping keys as a weapon is not something I, or most men I know, have done.

Any behaviour that makes a girl or a woman feel frightened, diminished or intimidated is unacceptable, no matter how many drinks have been had or whether it's just a "bit of fun".
There is no excuse for violence. Plain and simple.
It hits home hard that my sisters have probably experienced sexual harassment and that statistically, one of them has a good chance of experiencing violence at some stage in her life.

As an ambassador for The Line, I have the opportunity to speak to people younger than me, when they're still forming attitudes about their relationships, and hopefully influence the way they behave. These types of conversations, challenging attitudes and beliefs of people from a young age, is crucial to creating an understanding of what is classified as acceptable behaviour.

For young boys in particular, hearing and seeing men they look up to conveys a positive image of masculinity can help reframe their thinking, including breaking free of the gender stereotypes they associate with what it means to be a man.
My biggest influencers – my mother and three sisters – taught me that to be a man means to be kind, compassionate and respectful.
To change the horrifying statistics on violence against women in this country, we must change our culture. In our clubs, communities, friend groups and families, we can all do something make sure sexist attitudes, victim blaming and violence are things of the past.

Marcus Bontempelli is an AFL player for the Western Bulldogs and an ambassador for The Line, a national initiative to prevent violence against women and girls, alongside fellow AFL players Shaun Burgoyne and Patrick Dangerfield.
If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual assault, family or domestic violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit www.1800RESPECT.org.au (http://www.1800respect.org.au/). In an emergency, call 000.

[bornadog]

Great work from Marcus to focus on anti violence against women. What is wrong with men.!!!

[BornInDroopSt'54]

What a man! Fantastic that Marcus has discovered that the pen is mightier than the sword or a bulliy's fist for that matter. It's a very cowardly impulse that leads a man to control woman with violence or anger. I never witnessed it growing up but I imagine someone who have could either be abhorred or think it's part of life on some level. Is it like child abuse in that if you were abused, you are more likely to abuse? Awareness of our impulses and how to deal with them is very important for all of us.
If he hits you, leave him.

[Ghost Dog]

Great work from Marcus to focus on anti violence against women. What is wrong with men.!!!

Good on you Bont. Not to mention verbal bullying, which is a sort of violence anyway.

As quoted in another thread, A Melb Uni / Latrobe Uni study says that violence is dished out in equal amounts among genders. The severity of injury is the difference.

[w3design]

Just when I thought this kids maturity level as an AFL football player was already incredibly outstanding; then I read this article and he becomes my idol. I love his intentions to make society a better place for men and women, for they are both victims of domestic violence. I'm just blown away with the positive vibes that come from the western bulldogs.. A very "peoples" orientated club.. Caring for men's health... Involved with numerous community activities... I'm very proud... And congratulations to bont for choosing to address a very serious concern within our communities.

[Eastdog]

Domestic violence is a huge problem in our society affecting both men and women and it needs to be tackled. Great to see our club get involved in this initiative. Agree with doggy style that our club truly does great things in the community. Whether you live in the heartland or your outside the heartland we are the community club.

[Remi Moses]

Sadly some ( even on here ) trivialise domestic violence .
Good on Marcus

[Maddog37]

Sadly some ( even on here ) trivialise domestic violence .
Good on Marcus

To be fair, I feel that people use humour or trivialise issues to help themselves deal with the harsh realities of this world we live in. Not always but sometimes it is a coping mechanism.

[Before I Die]

To be fair, I feel that people use humour or trivialise issues to help themselves deal with the harsh realities of this world we live in. Not always but sometimes it is a coping mechanism.

But is that a coping mechanism, or a head in the sand mechanism? Domestic violence must be called out, not glossed over.

[Remi Moses]

But is that a coping mechanism, or a head in the sand mechanism? Domestic violence must be called out, not glossed over.

It was a pretty lame attempt of Humour from the poster .
God it wasn't even funny in a viscous way

[Maddog37]

But is that a coping mechanism, or a head in the sand mechanism? Domestic violence must be called out, not glossed over.

Please accept that my comment was in no way meant to condone the acceptance of violence in society.

[Greystache]

It was a pretty lame attempt of Humour from the poster .
God it wasn't even funny in a viscous way

Wow you can spam a point. Even more so when you don't understand what was being discussed.

[Rocco Jones]

I don't want to get drawn in comments about trivialising DV / tokenism etc.

From a purely selfish Bulldogs fan POV, hard not to be delighted to have a kid of immense talent combined with such a wonderful attitude.

[Happy Days]

This is fantastic.

The opinions on domestic violence in mainstream society are largely disgusting, and too often people with a platform are unable to condemn or vilify certain behaviours because they are massive pussies that are too scared of the backlash they would receive from said society, or, even worse, purport a bullshit victim blaming agenda because it is, again, easier and makes more sense to their tiny brains.

Congratulations Marcus on being a great person and not a sheep, and thank you for tabling something most are too afraid or stupid to.

[Topdog]

He certainly has the right attitude and has nailed the correct target.
I keep trying to get across to some mates that your "playful" comments about women in the kitchen and in general being inferior is part of the big problem. They often can't see the link between the 2

[azabob]

Which post are you referring to Remi Moses? I can't find one that attempts humour whatsoever. If it's mine you're referring to then let me know and I'll let you know something about your misconception.

BID, I am 99.5% certain Remi isn't refering to you.

[BornInDroopSt'54]

BID, I am 99.5% certain Remi isn't refering to you.
Thanks Azabob. I wasn't sure.

[LostDoggy]

Sadly some ( even on here ) trivialise domestic violence .
Good on Marcus

Sadly it's a hell of a lot more complex an issue than simply wearing white ribbons and demanding you "stand up to your dickhead mate".

Domestic violence needs to rise above the gender discussion and the propensity for hashtags before any real change can be made.

[jeemak]

Sadly it's a hell of a lot more complex an issue than simply wearing white ribbons and demanding you "stand up to your dickhead mate".

Domestic violence needs to rise above the gender discussion and the propensity for hashtags before any real change can be made.

It's an extremely curious (albeit serious) debate, and one that's more than prone to being overtaken by social media slacktivism as it stands right now.

However, there's absolutely no doubt that the most damage is being done by male perpetrators when it comes to domestic violence. Men and women are not equal in this equation, if you view it from the perspective of the genuine physical and mental harm inflicted between the sexes there is no contest between them.

[Ghost Dog]

Yet, we celebrate 'big hits' in AFL? and then say 'it's part of the game' while clearly loving every minute of it.
People like Luke Hodge are not taken to task for callous acts for example.
No way am I immune to it either. I was at a party and talking up Liam Picken, because he is from my hometown. Someone recounted several tough acts and suddenly I felt a bit uneasy. Grinding Gary Ablett Jr shoulder into the ground when it was a known injury a case in point
Ironic that the AFL is the mouthpiece for domestic violence when our game is one of the great celebrators of sanctioned violence.
Still, never will be a soccer fan.

[bulldogtragic]

I heard from a good source interstate there's a review of crisis accomodation in their state, as major towns have precisely no crisis accomodation. One thought bubble being explored is state based tax benefits to landlords to have shorter and cheaper leases available if their properties are offered to victims of domestic violence to allow them to break the cycle. My first reaction is what a brilliant idea. My second further thought is will landlords actually participate? I hope they do.

The issue looks unfortunately to me to be falling into 'Kony' type slaktivism (did they catch him?). Projects like above are a good start. Domestic violence leave for employees is another good start. Making it even easier for police to obtain urgent intervention orders is a another good start. Having courts enforce stricter penalties for breaches is important, more convictions added to guilty findings and big fines payable to organisations funding domestic violence relief. I'm not a great fan of minimum sentencing, but it may be a case for it too. I'd even suggest trialling US style private investigators (under strict supervision) to act as bounty hunters for higher risk intervention order offenders as police simply don't have the resources to do it. Mandatory anger management courses. Of course more education and high profile ambassadors trying to get the message to the next generation.

This and more could be in force today but it's not. So are governments really wanting to make a big difference, or just sound like they're making a big difference. In the time I wrote this post, a handful of women just got bashed.

[Twodogs]

The issue looks unfortunately to me to be falling into 'Kony' type slaktivism (did they catch him?). Projects like above are a good start. Domestic violence leave for employees is another good start. Making it even easier for police to obtain urgent intervention orders is a another good start. Having courts enforce stricter penalties for breaches is important, more convictions added to guilty findings and big fines payable to organisations funding domestic violence relief. I'm not a great fan of minimum sentencing, but it may be a case for it too. I'd even suggest trialling US style private investigators (under strict supervision) to act as bounty hunters for higher risk intervention order offenders as police simply don't have the resources to do it.


Wouldn't that cost more? It would mean that we are paying a person to do a job and someone to oversee it as well.

[bulldogtragic]

Wouldn't that cost more? It would mean that we are paying a person to do a job and someone to oversee it as well.

Not necessarily, my English is how do say? Inelegant. What I should've probably said is a tightly regulated trial and potential industry and tight licensing of individuals to ensure safety of all parties and keep out Cowboy PI types. PIs have oversight already for instance. Ensured professional and law abiding bounty hunters.

There are many numerous large private investigative bodies, with lots of ex coppers on their books with PI licences. They could do their normal work but take on a contract from The Police Force with high enough value targets at risk of committing serious acts of violence, not appearing on bail and likely to reoffends (warrant issued), those refusing to receipt intervention orders by falsifying addresses or recidivist offenders of breaching intervention orders. A price per successful contract then paid to the company. Worth looking into in my estimation.

[jeemak]

If the issue is as bad as reported (and I have no reason to believe it isn't) then resources beyond the police with more thorough and specific training are probably required.

[bornadog]

The issue is at epidemic proportions as some of the the stats show:

* Just under half a million Australian women reported that they had experienced physical or sexual violence or sexual assault in the past 12 months.

* More than a million women had experienced physical or sexual assault by their male current or ex-partner since the age of 15 (some women may be counted twice if they experienced both physical and sexual assault).

These are only the women who have reported violence against them, god only knows how many assaults occur and are not reported.

[LostDoggy]

Policing will never fix the problem though, it can only help reduce the damage/consequences. And all of these awareness campaigns are great, but can only make so much difference. We are talking about endemic human behaviour that has existed/been hidden for centuries.

It's such a difficult topic.

I have a close family member who is an intelligent, capable woman who keeps going back to her abusive partner. I talk to her regularly about it and think about it every day. It does my head in.

To me, every person, family and extended family/community needs to take individual responsibility in matters like these. Societal authorities like governments and police can help with education and picking up the pieces, but otherwise it's up to us - individual by individual.

[Remi Moses]

Wow you can spam a point. Even more so when you don't understand what was being discussed.

So enlighten me ?

[BornInDroopSt'54]

What I'm about to say is not blaming the victim, on the contrary it empowers the victim which is why I mention it.

Every victim is complicit in the victimisation. As Peanuts Peanuts suggests, this is an animal, instinctive side of human nature that goes back to the cave. Being meat eaters we are predatory. Every predator watches his/her prey, easy when it's your partner. The predator looks for vulnerable behaviour before they pounce. If a dog targets you, don't run. There are ways to behave that lessen the chance of attack. Be aware and don't act like a victim because that sets off the predator's instincts like a red rag to a bull.

I went by myself to Europe and Morocco with the above knowledge, I am 62 yo. I knew I could be targetted by thieves etc. I thought most people confronted by a thief would have the attitude "Don't hurt me, here's my wallet" They do. I bet that if I didn't follow that pattern the predator wouldn't bother, preferring easy meat. I was confronted about four or five times, young men in groups who tried to engage me then push me over. I raised my fist and challenged them. On every occasion they all backed off immediately, they had a routine and if it was interrupted then the attack was off, not worth it, they'd wait for the compliant victim.

What can women or men do in domestic violence situation, if they can't raise a fist like I did? Firstly learn to recognise the predatory behaviour and show no fear, immediately use body language to show strength. Let's face it abusers are cowards believing their victim is weak, that's what they are looking for. If he hits you leave him works wonderfully but it's so hard for the wife/partner. However it's much worse if they don't, so they must. So the potential victim must have an escape route and be prepared to go to a safe house or a women's refuge, even if it is frightening and demeaning in itself. The victim doesn't want anyone to know, it's so demeaning but the alternative is worse because he will repeat offend if you cower and stay after violence and it will become ingrained behaviour because you have rewarded the beast with the power he wants.

Having said that, like you PP, I had a close friend of my partner of 12 years, a single mum, a senior manager with emotional intelligence and lots of nous who was repeatedly hit and kicked by her strong willed 16 yo son. She eventually reported him, he went to counselling once or twice then it repeated. I so wanted to report him but she didn't want me to because he would be charged and there would be implications for his career. It can be hard. He's now a successful professional but no doubt still a sociopath. However it is different when you are a single parent and your child is the perpetrator, yet I still believe the body language stuff can work and that she and her boy fell into a pattern of behaviour that can be broken. If it's your partner and he/she is violent or abusive, then he is not your partner and you are his/her victim and leave him/her. It leaves the possibility of returning if they show sincere remorse, so not all hope of the relationship is lost but you must not comply by accepting being a victim.

[Ghost Dog]

Policing will never fix the problem though, it can only help reduce the damage/consequences. And all of these awareness campaigns are great, but can only make so much difference. We are talking about endemic human behaviour that has existed/been hidden for centuries.

It's such a difficult topic.

I have a close family member who is an intelligent, capable woman who keeps going back to her abusive partner. I talk to her regularly about it and think about it every day. It does my head in.

To me, every person, family and extended family/community needs to take individual responsibility in matters like these. Societal authorities like governments and police can help with education and picking up the pieces, but otherwise it's up to us - individual by individual.

I agree with this. So often we try to take policy initiatives, but at the same time, cut funding to grass roots programs.
Like the thing with bike lanes. Trying to police minimum length gap between car and bike is a waste of time.
Complex problems need a variety of attacks. Not just a slacktivism campaign, and feel good we have done something.

I live in China. There are very few police here to be seen. I feel infinitely safer here than I ever did living in parts of Melbourne. It's a society thing.

[LostDoggy]

Great post BIDS54.

Unfortunateley when their are children caught between the firing lines in such toxic domestic enviroments it would be a lot harder especially for a women who is the victim to leave the abuse behind her.

[jeemak]

BID54, I do appreciate the spirit of the post you put forward and its overall message to an extent.

However, if the resources you suggest victims turn to are not available, and the police or statutory services aren't up to scratch then victims irrespective of any empowerment they may feel are going to be immediately let down and likely to re-enter the cycle from which they are attempting to escape.

Regions of low socio-economic circumstance don't have the statutory policing and support services available to them. There is genuinely no outlet for them. They can't afford to move, they don't have anyone to talk to about their situation and they don't have any escape.

This is the issue at hand. Irrespective of all the advice we can provide to victims, there is in some (if not, many) circumstances no recourse they can take to improve their respective situations. This is why it's so important we change the culture of our society and impress upon people abusing peers, loved ones, strangers and everyone else who doesn't fit into these categories that abusive behaviour is first and foremost unacceptable.

[Ghost Dog]

BID54, I do appreciate the spirit of the post you put forward and its overall message to an extent.

However, if the resources you suggest victims turn to are not available, and the police or statutory services aren't up to scratch then victims irrespective of any empowerment they may feel are going to be immediately let down and likely to re-enter the cycle from which they are attempting to escape.

Regions of low socio-economic circumstance don't have the statutory policing and support services available to them. There is genuinely no outlet for them. They can't afford to move, they don't have anyone to talk to about their situation and they don't have any escape.

This is the issue at hand. Irrespective of all the advice we can provide to victims, there is in some (if not, many) circumstances no recourse they can take to improve their respective situations. This is why it's so important we change the culture of our society and impress upon people abusing peers, loved ones, strangers and everyone else who doesn't fit into these categories that abusive behaviour is first and foremost unacceptable.

I know in Northern Queensland, they brought in some Cuban educators to do a literacy drive. The idea was 'whole community' approach to the problem. It was and is highly successful as a program.
Community bonds tend to be weaker in suburban areas. People often don't know who their neighbours are. Perhaps once people lived closer to each other and inter-community bonds were stronger. There were various clubs and ways to interact ( small shops ).
Now everyone has aircon, internet, and a flatscreen TV.
There is something weak about a man who has to resort to violence against a woman. But really, it reflects a weakness in greater society. I wouldn't say it's necessarily linked to the decline of religion. But it might have something to do with a lack of community spirit, mixed with the trend to objectify women.

[LostDoggy]

I know in Northern Queensland, they brought in some Cuban educators to do a literacy drive. The idea was 'whole community' approach to the problem. It was and is highly successful as a program.
Community bonds tend to be weaker in suburban areas. People often don't know who their neighbours are. Perhaps once people lived closer to each other and inter-community bonds were stronger. There were various clubs and ways to interact ( small shops ).
Now everyone has aircon, internet, and a flatscreen TV.
There is something weak about a man who has to resort to violence against a woman. But really, it reflects a weakness in greater society. I wouldn't say it's necessarily linked to the decline of religion. But it might have something to do with a lack of community spirit, mixed with the trend to objectify women.

I agree with a lot of that. In concert with that, extended families (grown siblings and cousins) tend not to live in close proximity anymore, which can add to the sense of isolation and disconnection. This can also make an abused person feel hopeless and trapped and less likely to hold their abuser to account as soon as they should.

[bornadog]

There is something weak about a man who has to resort to violence

Edited for accuracy.

[BornInDroopSt'54]

This is why it's so important we ... impress upon people ... that abusive behaviour is first and foremost unacceptable.
This is the critical thing, that it is clearly known. An advertising campaign would work.

[bulldogtragic]

This is the critical thing, that it is clearly known. An advertising campaign would work.

I'm not sure I agree. Having been called to 100+ domestic disputes there are many reasons. Kids, pride or refusing to accept the love of your life is a violent scumbag. Some reasons defy logic, if your world centres around someone and you feel you lose your reason to survive you won't leave. If you believe they really love and this is just a flaws that requires patience or forgiveness you won't leave. If you fear them or retribution you may not leave. If you have nowhere to go you won't leave. If you have attachment or ego, you may not leave. If your mum, her mum, her mum, her mum, her mum were abused and your born into cyclical domestic abuse and/or sexual assault you won't leave. If your partner psychologically imprispns you, you won't leave. If your partner can withdraw all money from you, you can't leave. If there's threats against kids, you may not leave.

My DNA doesn't enjoy watching or committing violence in any way shape or form, but when an abusive wife beater tried to take on me or former colleagues, if I'm really honest, there was a tiny, tiny bit of satisfaction after the fact (somewhere from my caveman ancestor) in responding with such legitimate force not disproportionate to the objective to stop a violent wife beater trying to attack us and/or effect a lawful arrest. As another poster pointed out, they're gutless dogs who cant fight someone of their own size and gender so they bash defenceless women. Taking them to court on charges as a wife beater and making them front Magistrates was more satisfying. Perhaps like a The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, we could tattoo wife beater on their foreheads so the next woman they hope to bash has ample warning not to have a relationship with them.

More realistically, I'm not sure ads can really address this problem and risks further slaktivism. It's such a complex, complex problem that I'd rather see money spent at the coal face and not on rolling advertising or repeated investigations by politicians etc. - Einstein famously declared you can't solve problems with the same thinking you used when you made the problems. This needs new thinking and actual change. Our CEO said at the White Ribbon event a few weeks ago there were over 9,000 reported assaults in the Western Suburbs in the year to date. The problem is so big and to be honest, I don't see enough political resolve to spend the money to make the changes needed. I can only hope this changes, but forgive me for not holding my breath.

[BornInDroopSt'54]

...forgive me for not holding my breath.

I'll get back to you. Merry Christmas.

[Ghost Dog]

Edited for accuracy.

Thanks for that. You are 100% correct.


This is the critical thing, that it is clearly known. An advertising campaign would work.

Depends on what sort surely?
We are building prisons at a rate of knots at the moment. A number of factors are sending more people to hospitals with injuries from violence, starting with urban planning issues. The way we build our suburbs coupled with the changes in society, and a narrative that money and freedom of choice are all has created an ugly mix.

[bulldogtragic]

I'll get back to you. Merry Christmas.

Cool. To be clear, I'm not holding my breath that governments will do enough to fix the problem. Not the long overdue prominence of the issue and crisis that we find our society in. I hope they do though, odds are a domestic violence dispute will be the death of someone on Christmas Day. It's actually true how many serious assaults occasion the day from my past experiences.

[Murphy'sLore]

I do believe that the current conversation and awareness is long overdue and can only be helpful. There had been such an atmosphere of shame around this situation, for the victim I mean, even if that changes that will be a positive outcome.

[LostDoggy]

I do believe that the current conversation and awareness is long overdue and can only be helpful. There had been such an atmosphere of shame around this situation, for the victim I mean, even if that changes that will be a positive outcome.

Important point. We see this in other areas also, such as habitual abuse of children by authority figures within traditionally trusted institutions. This went on for decade after decade largely because people were so shocked by the idea that it was never discussed or considered as a widespread problem, leaving those abused feeling isolated, ashamed and helpless.

The more these issues are identified and discussed, the more victims will feel like they have support and people in the community who may understand and be able to assist, which will give some the strength to make change earlier.

Hopefully the shame is moved more on to the perpetrators. It would be nice to think that some of them would look to make meaningful change also.

[BornInDroopSt'54]

... forgive me for not holding my breath.

With your experience of the problem, I defer to your view.
This problem is really coming to the fore now because we are ready to look at it as a society and deal with it. Previously we swept it under the carpet if we didn't have to deal with it ourselves. Victims often don't want to talk about it for the reasons you cited. The violent family member has got away with it because of this and must feel they're unopposed other than by the bitter/sweet guilt/I'm sorry /sweet make up cycle which just reinforces the whole thing.
If the problem gets a public airing via advertising the issue becomes more openly a public one and you'd find a lot of support that way. It becomes part of the public discourse, people openly talk about it. This creates awareness and people are more likely to register the bruises or black eyes they see instead of dismissing it as unmentionable. The violent family member, even without people knowing they're violent, would be exposed to opinions of these 'scumbags' and whatever new legislation or retribution the govt could come up with. They would get the message that society does not accept family violence and this would have an impact as long as we are fair dinkum about it. Awareness does matter and there has been not much of it in the past, it's an issue that we weren't ready to deal with.
The other issue of course is suicide and we are still not ready for that one. It's for the future, it's unspeakable to most people, they wouldn't know what to say to a victim's family even if they were friends. However the time is now for domestic violence. Put money and resources into it for sure but talk about it. Let's keep it part of the sincere conversation.